Preparation For A Colonoscopy Part III: The Doctor Will See Inside You Now..

So in I walked, greeted by a small tv screen, a machine that goes Ping! and two doctors, one of whom was smiling. This would be the good Doctor who had already talked over my feelings earlier, now appearing much cheerier with a camera cable in his hand. I was instructed to hop on to the bed they had wheeled in ready for me, lift up one of the three fashionable dresses I had been given to protect as much modesty as I could, and get comfy.

I lay on my side and took a sip of gas, like a connoisseur of a fine wine, swilling the gas around. It was a duff year I thought as I felt no effects to speak of. But maybe there had been, afterall nothing had gone in yet. And so I waited..

And waited...

...Nope, the gas didn't affect anything.

Honestly after the initial shock and couple of pushes after, it didn't hurt. It wasn't comfortable by any stretch of the imagination and did feel a strong will inside my butt to push, but at least I was getting used to it and I didn't even need the fake-help of the gas for the most part. I just found myself watching the camera fascinated. It wasn't gripping television by many conventions, but after 10 years of waiting it would be nice to physically see the culprits that had caused so much hassle.

"Just one big bend now to go.." promised the Doctor as he slammed the camera repeated into the sides of my intestines, forcing it to curve the bend it was so reluctant to follow. At this point pain was spazming into place, and the gas flooded my lungs with deep long breaths. Still no help. I felt my temple going numb with pain, and my vision unfocused as I struggled a bit to breathe from the pain. I asked repeatedly to pause so I could just relax.
"Okay sure" lied the the Doctor before pushing again. Did he not think I'd notice?!
"Please just stop!"
"Look we're almost there now, and if you ask to stop then it will all be for nothing. I don't want this tl be a waste of time.. for you." he pushed, both verbally and violatingly.
Great. I'm an afterthought about my own ass!
"OW!" I growled, making my point. "No stop."
"But we're almo-"
"Yes. Yes. I understand. But no. No! I can't do it anymore."
The Doctor sighed for a moment. "This is why you should have just let me put the needle in you."
He started to retract, and my lower region felt like it was taking the single biggest crap of its life. The pure spite that laced his comment was nothing as I watched him snap up some samples which I had felt on entry looked somewhat suspicious.
With a last tug I was free, and the Doctor busied himself wiping away at the camera and the nurse who had taken my side a bit during the struggle talked me through it before I was wheeled away to recover in the Room of Flatulance.


They tell you repeatedly in reassurance that you WILL need to fart, and a lot, and not to hold it in. However the confused state of my bowels led each and every one a strong contender in the game of "please dont be wet.. please dont be wet.." and I and the other 2 remaining contestants of the game played a particularly lazy interpretaiton of musical chairs.

Feeling slightly safer in my own clothes  after a quick change, I took myself away from the bed and toward the chairs by reception on the ward as I awaited my apology orange juice and ham sandwiches. The dryness of my throat made chewing a task unto itself, but 24 hours with my body on an everything must go sale pushed me through and I wolfed down my sandwich in whole chunks, not unlike a seal and sipped away at my orange as much as I could without the problem of additional gas in the blimp.

I was given a letter to take home with me for my doctor, talking about how "uncooperative" I had been during my time there, and of "nothing suspicious" was found in my perfectly functional intestines. It took another three weeks for me to receive another letter. Not from Doctor No-Means-Yes, but from another, informing me of the results of the 'perfectly ordinary' samples taken during my uncooperative investigation. The results was forming the opinion that I was infact a sufferer of Crohn's Disease, and another appointment was scheduled to confirm at the start of 2015.

And so concludes my trilogy of experience with a Colonoscopy. Hope it was insightful to some at least. And hope it helps prepare for outcomes and affects, without demonising the event itself. Honestly for all the problems with Doctor Violation, I wouldn't hesitate for too long were another necessary... if I could have an alternative to Moviprep. That drink was the nadir of experience and not one I would ever wish to revisit.