How Always Sunny Helped Me Cope With Cancer

Recently I found out that my granddad was diagnosed with lung cancer that was so far gone that not only is it inoperable, but he's currently not even being considered for any treatments to help, making it essentially a walking death sentence. 

And so of  course in the wake of this earth shattering news, I turned to something to help me escape. Just to help me cope a little during the initial shell-shock of the news so I may have the strength and resolve to be there through the latter stages.

Somewhat less obviously, I turned to It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia as my escape. In particular the episode "Charlie's Mom Has Cancer."

Now to anyone with even a passing knowledge of the gang (or even just the on-the-nose episode title) this must seem like the worst possible option - but it turned out to be the strength I needed. 

Whereas most shows or films that dare to broach the subject of cancer do so with an air (or most likely smothering) of sincerity and emotional weight, Always Sunny treats it like shit. To the gang cancer is a subject like no other; a subject everyone seeks to exploit for their own ends. Hell, it isn't even the sole focus of the episode - wedged in with Frank's dementia and Dee's meetings with a psychic, so even in terms of simple plot synopsis, it's not given much weight.

Always Sunny robbed cancer of its gravitas by focusing on its uglier side. When Charlie's mom isn't 'convincing' enough, they decide to make her look more atypical, giving her a bald cap and adding lesions just to make her more sympathetic looking. Not to mention her heartfelt speech.. 

Sometimes we do need something sympathetic to touch us and remember the horrors of this world that we all fight for. But thank god for It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia for being that one show not afraid to pants any subject it feels like and make a mockery of it, letting us find a comfort zone in the darkest of places where before it felt like there was nothing. 

Working with Depression

There’s a point where your life just shuts down, and you’re drowning in existence. You can feel your lungs stretch to try and cover the job of your intestines, and your stomach crumble under the pressure. And all of that can start from a simple “Hey.”
An entire existence undone by a mere platitude.

That is how depression feels. A void of terrifying nothingness. And thats how I’ve wound up having to live my life; tightroping against the all encompassing darkness of its cruelty, aswell as the harsh light of reality. All you want to do is scream for help. But you don’t want any attention. No one can know  your pain, not out of any machismo or egotism, but through the simple fact that even you don’t know why.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is see that your friends and family are aware of it, but don’t ever truly acknowledge it as a concern. That twitch of a concerned look before you carry on can make a world of difference. It can feel cold to the person giving it, but it can show to us that you know we’re lying when we say we’re okay, and you care about us, but its no big deal, and you don’t see us as any different for it.

I’ve always been someone who plays his demons as his puppets, writing out my real life under the wallpapering of fiction, but that has got harder now I have some degree of an audience to my work. The truth is, I create my world’s to help conquer my demons, spinning their terror into a silky little yarn I can laugh at to myself, knowing the sinister truth behind it, but now they didn’t seem so bad under this wallpaper. Yet now, there’s another eye on my work, one who wouldn’t have this added benefit, so there’s an added pressure to bare my demons on my sleeve, but let them tell their own tale without feel like I’m pandering, or failing to keep it entertaining.
There’s been multiple times now where I’ve been writing and had to stop and cry. Rarely even a notably dark scene of the actual tale, I nevertheless have to face something more head on than I can be ready to deal  with.

I now have to let deadlines fall by the wayside in order to deal, but procrastination nestles, and workloads grow. I’m trying now to find a place to face it all head on, my feet rooting to the earth deeper than ever before.

I don’t have anywhere witty or clever to go with this, but know that if you’re suffering, sometimes you have to accept your personal deadlines have to change, but never let it disappear. Take up another distraction to keep draining out your demons, in my case drawing, until you feel any blip in their hold on you, then go back to your main focus, even for just 10 minutes. It will remind you what you’re fighting to keep. And for those who know someone, sometimes a little space, can show you will always be there.

My 2nd book, Midnight Heat available here

I also dick about on Instagram with toys sometimes here 

Confessions of a Book Addict

So, this is something a little bit unusual for me. I'm staging my own intervention of sorts. Why?
Well, let's get the formalities out of the way first;
Hello, I'm Matthew Williamson (insert droning hi Matthew here) and I... Am addicted to books!

I know, not the most out-there decree, BUT its a definite problem.
I've always had my suspicions that I had more than just a passing fling with the written word when I noticed I would start to go full Matilda and just go into a library and Max out my card with just anything I hadn't yet read. And soon it came to a point where I had to juggle libraries because I would read so much from the local ones that I had to outsource myself. All the while I would still borrow from my friends. I'd say I average 3 books at any one time, not including audiobooks.
But there were two moments that made me truly accept my problem. The first was when I started hiding books from my Goodreads page, not out of shame I was reading the books themselves, just because of how many I already confessed to be reading at at the same time.
The second was today when I came to return my most recent conquests to the library and perhaps take out one or two more.. And instead came back with a bag literally full of books! All bought, with my library card unfortunately neglected.

This is the collection of bought books

Of the past 2 weeks. Ignoring all borrowed, 

And 5 kindle downloads. Yikes.

Some of those books listed I bought just because I stumbled across them I'm a charity shop, looking all dusted and neglected like a poor paperback orphan, but still had that new book smell. (Side note: not that I am saying an orphan would smell pleasant. Or unpleasant! So I guess that part doesn't really work with the analogy..). So!e of those probably won't even get read for a period of time, due to another marathon of books I already need to get around to, but they'll at least be appreciated on my shelves!

I don't know what I can do about it. I can justify and pretend "oh its all research!" But then I'd just feel a whole extra guilt complex when I wouldn't find any inspiration in one. Maybe I should just live with it? Afterall, I can still afford my rent and food. But I think the safest course of action has to be a full scale intervention. 

So here it is. 

If I insist on another book, I have to have at least finished 4 of those new purchases, and can only buy one at that point! 

It's up to you internet to make sure I keep to this (not that you can, you may be an omnipresent device, but you can't actually SEE that I'm reading them, but it at least helps me feel like passing the pressure on) 

So here we go! 

Follow Matt on Twitter @Chromosoner

And you can also buy his two books Midnight Heat and From The Inside Out on amazon - proceeds of which go to CCUK.

And if you have any questions, he is an avid stalker of Goodreads, so is more than happy to answer any on there.

The Catchup / Update

So it occurs to me that I haven't really had an update since I actually released my second book (Midnight Heat available at all good amazon links *plugplugplug*) and there's been a few reasons for that.

The first is simply through the sheer exhaustion of dealing with the book and working on the best reception it could face, which proved more complicated than initially expected. On top of that I was also preparing to move, and wound up without medication twice in this time due some delivery issues! So quite expectedly my health went all higgledy pig.

 Artist impression of what higgeldy piggeldy might look like

It got to a point where I heard i sound unexpectedly - even so much as my roommate coming through the front door, my stomach would lurch and at least contemplate being sick.

So that all sucked. On the upside though, my roommate is actually amazing, and helped create such a relaxing atmosphere. And stepped in to demand I write some more, which I had thrown on the back burner as something to not even think of touching whilst still had a second book to promote.
And now, I'm back with my pills, the dust has settled (and totally been brushed up, I swear!) on my new place, and I'm writing again. And that has me in a pretty comfortable spot right now.
So whether this writing will transpire into a third book to throw around to different publishers, or simply just be another for my (virtual) drawer to occasionally look at and smile through, it's the start of something.
 And sometimes, even when we cant make it to the end, whatever part of the journey we involved in, can be pretty amazing.

You're Never Weird On The Internet [Almost] book review

I knew nothing about this book until passing by Waterstones on its release day. Felicia Day with a book?
It suckered me in, and though I didn't buy it at this point, I walked away thinking about it for days. I resolved to sample on the kindle - afterall, I knew she was funny on the various shows I had seen her on, and one of my favourite characters from Dragon Age, but how would I really feel about that adorably neurotic character made flesh, the veil falling down?
I couldn't stop myself - I actually read the sample section twice in the time it took for me to go from that to being able to grab that tempting Waterstones book. And from that point on I have struggled to put this book down. No exaggeration to say that there was periods of my day where I didn't dare read it because I knew I had something else to do and wouldn't be able to pull away from it.

And this was before it truly hit me.

The book by and large is a very witty account of her sheltered upbringing and shed so much light on this woman who had turned up in almost every avenue of my life in recent years but never knew all that much about. Felicia goes into very intricate details of her homeschooled upbringing, as well as going to and from different career ambitions and dealing with trying to fabricate an identity for herself. And that is all well and good, but as it approaches the final two chapters, things take a darker turn.

Suddenly that playful voice of hers skittishly reading along in your head turns somber, as the talk comes to the likes of stalkers (being trapped in a negotation for someone trying to buy her hair and fingernails from her / people breaking into her house etc) to the topic of the relatively recent #GamerGate and the confusion of social political issues getting muddied in the venom of shaming for the sake of shaming. Not to mention rather frank talks of depression, which I found all too familiar.

But what I love most about this book is that, though not afraid to get truly serious, there is never a real sense of someone dishing the dirt on people, or superiority - indeed Felicia seems to quite willingly throw herself into blame if there is a glint of opportunity to present itself. And never does the book become too morbid; even sprinkled throughout is her own witty voice guiding us and offering a perspective, and leaving with an empowering sensation afterward.

The only criticism I could voice is that I would have enjoyed more detail on her time on Supernatural, or more interestingly for me Dragon Age II where she managed to not only be included as a character, but then offered the license for her own mini web series of that! That I would have found interesting. But wanting more is rarely a bad thing, and here there was still plenty to love.


I'm normally a sucker for an autobiography, but very rarely do they prove to become genuine favourites - let alone shortly after closing the final page.


And for that, I am very jealous of her gift of writing.

My book From The Inside Out 

Felicia Day's slightly better book You're Never Weird On The Internet [Almost] 

The Big Second Book Summary And Giveaway!

So here we are, I have actually managed to make a second book in my life and my first fiction. That it's an official novelisation of a pretty beloved cult film is just a hell of a bonus!

But what's it about?

There are a few intertwining narratives, some of which would be spoiler-heavy so here are the two main ones:

Detective Rick Wilson is a suspended cop spiralling down into the depths of depression and drug addiction, both a cause and effect of his suspension, but is  begrudgingly brought the opportunity for his name to be whitewashed and badge reinstated if he can track down a serial killer before the night is through. This serial killer, labelled The Scalper for his fixation of scalping his victims, has been picking off the ladies of the night for a while but now he has upped his game and stirring up a media frenzy in the process.

Meanwhile a pimp, Martin, has been suffering insomnia brought about by the hazy dreams of how the Scalper took his sister's life, mistaking her for one of his mistresses. Her death has hung over his head and his conscience ever since, and he has to get out of the game, all the while doing his best to not let his own girls suffer in the process. But getting out is never easy.


So the tone is very much a sleazy detective thriller very much akin to the 80s style, and was really fun to write for. Having read through my own copy without my editing cap on and simply as a reader, I can say I am definitely proud of the quality of the writing and possibly set it as a gold standard to maintain in any future endevours.


Is it connected to my work with #GetYourBellyOut and CCUK at all?

Not directly no. There are of course references in the book to such conditions as it is such a huge part of my life right now, but certainly more references and titbits rather than anything quite as indepth as From The Inside Out. However that is not to say I am completely disassociating myself with it; as well as thank you donations to the group for having made this possible, the hopes is that this book's success will allow for greater distribution of Inside and help get a bigger publisher interested for a next one.


How can I get it?

Midnight Heat can be found on Amazons across the world for £6.99 in UK, $9.99 US and similar prices in all other countries. However there is also one other way...


The Free Giveaway!! 

Thanks to the website goodreads.com my book is currently up for a giveaway of a free copy of my book. And all you have to do is follow the link and click enter to win and you'll .... be entered to win. If you don't have an account it is easy to setup just using your facebook as verification and takes less than a minute!  The giveaway is here 


So that's the sum of it all really. A big thank you to everyone who has helped get me this far and shown such amazing support over this year, and hopefully I can continue to live the dream and do my bit for a group that means so much!

New Book & Future Plans

With the release of my second book fast approaching now, it feels only fair to give a little update to the situation, and any plans for the future.

So first up; Midnight Heat.

Midnight Heat is an official novelisation of a cult American independent film of the same name by creator Brad Jones of "The Cinema Snob" fame, and revolves around one sleazy night in 1989 where a coked-out cop is on the trail of notorious serial killer The Scalper who targets prostitutes, whilst at the same time a pimp is fighting his own way out of the business before it kills him.

Writing this has been a great deal of fun, even if on some days I wanted to give up - inspiration seemed to come on many days when I was too far from the source material to make any use of it, and when I had all the time and materials at use I had no muse. But although this already features the vision of another, I still had fun running with these characters and trying to see what I could discover about them that may not otherwise be told in the constraints of the film without ruining the vision of the creator. Looking through there are a few standout moments I am proud of and so look forward to how it is received.
Midnight Heat is currently undergoing the finishing details ready for official publication shortly.

The next plan is for From The Inside Out, my first book which was released September 2014. The plan for this is a slight reformatting and minor grammatical changes and cosmetics (aswell as a foreword to offer a greater summary of it and any jargon in it that may be lost to those not already familiar with it all, as an oversight of my own when first creating it) This will be accompanied with flyers to be created and left in waiting rooms of appropriate wards of hospitals, and possibly for some charity events if possible, and finally setting up a distribution deal with Waterstones.

From then there are a couple of little pet projects I want to develop, more directly linked to helping raise awareness of CCUK in any way I can, as well as a couple of fiction ideas I've had mulling around - one thriller and the other young adult science fantasy in the vain of a Doctor Who or Hitchiker's Guide. But obviously a break will be needed before pursuing any of these with any great determination, but does not mean either shall be ignored completely, seem to perpetually be working on little lines or asides for something or other and it's just finding the projects to fit them.

In a minor segue of news the #GetYourBellyOut group celebrated its first birthday this past week and it was with great pain that I could nto be a part of it, so a greater effort will also be made to rectify this with how much support they have offered both with the book and in life in general.